Recognizing Your Connection and Finding Glimmers in Grief
Published almost 2 years ago • 7 min read
Dear Reader,
I've had a few conversations lately with people struggling for one reason or another. In these conversations, they share why they are upset but immediately say something like, "But I know there are far worse things in the world" or "I shouldn't complain."
I get the instinct to do this because I often go here as well. After unloading about a problem or hardship, I feel self-conscious about taking up space with my "thing," and I try to shift the focus as quickly as possible, even though the situation may be important or matter to me.
Looking at one's experience in the context of the bigger picture of humanity has functionality. Doing so can help put things in perspective, prevent one from letting things spiral out of proportion, and, at times, help one refocus on what's truly important. But it also may have a downside if, in the end, you undermine the significance of your personal struggles.
When you chastise yourself for caring about what you care about and feeling your feelings, you deny yourself the right to your emotional experience. By shifting the focus, you may remove the opportunity to process what's happening and shoo away any incoming support or compassion.
Though we understand why people do it, we encourage people not to deny their own pain simply because other pain exists. Unfortunately, endless pain can exist in the world, all at the same time. But perhaps this means that there's endless space for compassion as well.
Viktor Frankl writes in the book Man's Search for Meaning,
"A man's suffering is similar to the behavior of gas. If a certain quantity of gas is pumped into an empty chamber, it will fill the chamber completely and evenly, no matter how big the chamber. Thus suffering completely fills the human soul and conscious mind, no matter whether the suffering is great or little. Therefore the "size" of human suffering is absolutely relative."
At the time, Yalom was writing about his experiences in a concentration camp where he saw and experienced horrific, horrific things. If anyone has a right to say -- "my thing is worse" to someone like me -- it's him. But his words here instead have compassion for our individual sorrows by acknowledging that suffering can fill and consume us regardless of the source.
This does not mean that all problems and losses are the same. Some experiences are significantly more life-altering than others—I think we can agree on this. I would not expect to need the same help and healing for a paper cut as I would for a broken arm. But judging what might cause a certain amount of inner turmoil for another person is futile because it is personal, subjective, and connected to a person's history, identity, and the world in which they currently live.
When addressing our own problems, it seems ideal to try and strike a balance between considering the broader context of human suffering while also honoring and validating our own struggles. Actually, self-compassion research Kristen Neff argues that, in many ways, acknowledging that all humans suffer can connect us:
"All humans suffer, however. Not the same way or the same amount, but the very definition of being "human" means being vulnerable, flawed and imperfect. When we are self-compassionate, we recognize that our suffering connects us rather than separates us from others."
This newsletter may find you in a place where you're acutely grieving the absolute worst loss you've ever experienced. Others may be struggling with something different, perhaps less life-altering than other experiences, but still hard. Whatever you're going through, have compassion for yourself.
Was this WYG newsletter forwarded to you?
subscribe here.
Your Pain is not Your Connection
Or, perhaps I should say, that your pain is not your only connection. The pain in your grief is most certainly your connection to their absence. But it is unlikely that your is your connection to who they were. It is not the connection that most represents their life and your relationship.
I recently posted a list on Instagram of things that (at least for me) are my connections to the people I have lost. I shared this because I remember in my early grief when I feared that my pain changing, evolving, or becoming easier to carry was a sign that I must be losing my connection.
We have heard from thousands of people with this fear, so I know I am not alone. But what I also know, as grieve and a grief therapist, is that my pain is not my connection. Your pain is not your connection.
In fact, it is often when our pain takes up less space than our other connections are able to strengthen and deepen.
If your pain is not your connection, what are your connections?
In grief we think a lot about triggers – those cues in the world around you that leave you doubled over with a surge of grief. It could be a song on the radio, the smell of perfume, unexpectedly stumbling across something with their handwriting, seeing a family out after a graduation when this is the year they should have graduated, and on and on.
We've, of course, written about coping with grief triggers because they're such a common grief experience. However, today, we'd like to introduce a new concept that can help with grief triggers called "glimmers." Glimmers can actually be thought of as a counterpoint to triggers. They're easy to miss, but when you find them, they can be little lifeboats that keep you afloat when needed, so it's worth talking about them.
To Understand Glimmers in Grief, We Must Understand Triggers
Deb Dana, a renowned trauma therapist, has spent her career helping trauma survivors better understand their nervous systems. Any griever knows that a trigger can spring a well of tears, sending you running to hide in the nearest bathroom. But we don’t always consider what is happening at a physiological level. Triggers activate the stress response in the nervous system. Depending on the intensity of the trigger and your own unique trauma and stress response, a whole range of things can start happening in your body.
Activation of the Amygdala: This is the brain's threat detection system. When it perceives a trigger related to past trauma or grief it can signal a threat, which initiates the fight-or-flight response (there are reasons you find yourself running to your car and just wanting to be safe at home!)
Release of Stress Hormones: The amygdala activates the hypothalamus. This is the part of the brain that release stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline, which prepare the body for a threat.
General Engagement of the Sympathetic Nervous System: In preparing our body to respond to the threat, this system:
Enrollment in the WYG Grief Hub for Learning and Connection is Open!
The Hub brings grievers together to learn, create, share, and support one another as they navigate day-to-day life in the wake of loss. In the Hub, we respect and accommodate the wide range of grief styles and personality types people bring to their losses. Offerings cover various topics relating to grief thoughts, emotions, and experiences with diverse approaches to coping. You’re allowed complete control over if, when, and how you engage.
The Hub is for you whether…
Your loss was recent or a long time ago
No matter who (or what) you've lost
You're a more physical, action-oriented griever or a more emotional, processing-oriented griever.
You’re an introvert, extravert, or somewhere in the middle
We founded WYG as a place for all types of thinkers and doers. No matter your age, gender, location, or cultural background, you are welcome here and we hope you'll join us.
➡️ Created by grief therapists: We are mental health professionals who understand the complex nature of grief from not only professional training and experience, but also from living through our own personal losses.
➡️ On demand 24/7: If you already have a group or counselor, the Hub is here for you the other 167 hours of the week.
➡️ No pressure: There’s no requirement to talk to anyone. Feel free to be a lurker and look at conversations without participating. Comment only when you’re ready. You’re never pressured to share anything you don’t want to share.
➡️ Resources at your fingertips: You’ll have instant access to our growing library of grief-related videos, podcast episodes, and more. So you don't have to worry if you can't join a webinar or live - the learning portion is always available.
➡️ Not on social media: Social media can be great, and it can also be unhealthy and corrosive! That's why the Hub is on a separate platform away from social media.
➡️ Your safe space: This is a safe space to express deep, messy emotions if you want to. You don’t have to mask your feelings and pretend you feel better than you do.
In this episode, we talk about the challenges of practicing self-compassion, what self-compassion is (and isn't) and some tools for navigating grief with self compassion.
Losing a pet (and grieving pet) is a profound and often overlooked form of disenfranchised grief. In this episode, we delve into the complexities of why pet loss holds such significance.
Dear Reader, Mother’s Day is early this year. Next weekend - May 10th. Did you know? I find that grieving people usually fall into one of two categories when it comes to days like Mother’s Day. They either dread the day way too far in advance or they feel blindsided by it - it’s rarely in between. My mother never made a big deal about Mother’s Day when I was growing up, which was my lame excuse for not making one either. If I had been a half-decent child, I would have realized it wasn’t my...
Dear Grief Friend, Today, we have two important items to share. First, we're sharing a new article on the finality of death and why it’s so darn hard to accept. We’ve decided to share new articles in full because, well, we want people to read them! But please remember that if you’d like to comment on the article (please do!) or share the link with a friend or family member who might find it helpful (please do x 2!), you have to hop over to the website. Second, we’re asking for your input...
Dear Grief Friend, A few weeks ago, we asked our newsletter readers a simple question: "What is one thing that has helped in your grief?" The question was intentionally broad and straightforward. Responses could describe anything, big or small, and could reflect what helps with any aspect of life after a loss. We expected some people to answer "nothing," and a few did. We respect this response as much as any other. Who among us hasn't felt, at times, that there is nothing they, or anyone...