A New Grief Model to Ponder, Spring Renewal, and Self-Kindness
Published about 2 years ago • 7 min read
Dear Grief Friend
It's been a while since our last newsletter, which may not come as a huge surprise to some of you. Newsletter regularity has often been a struggle for us. However, this time feels different because we had just set intentions to start sending newsletters in a more structured and focused way. But you know what they say about the best-laid plans going awry.
To our frustration, our website went down and it took multiple tries over several weeks to get things back on track. In the meantime, accessing anything on the site was spotty and often took minutes to load. So, until we were confident we fixed the problem, we didn't want to send out a newsletter directing you towards the site. The good news is that the site is fully back on track, and hopefully, so are we!
Now as for today...
I (Eleanor) went down an Instagram rabbit hole this morning, which I've been doing a lot lately. The topics could be anything from 90s nostalgia to golden retrievers—once I start scrolling, I can lose an inordinate amount of time.
Today, the subject was Mr. Rogers. Watching videos of him took me back to mornings watching Mr. Rogers Neighborhood on our old TV, which had a rabbit ears antenna and only got stations 3, 5, 9, 24, and 68. 24 was PBS and mostly had boring shows, except for a TV block in the mornings for kids.
My journey down this particular Instagram rabbit hole quickly had me in tears as it also reminded me of my mother, a nursery school teacher who deeply believed in compassion and respect for all children. She loved Mr. Rogers because he exemplified and advocated for many of the values she believed in about how to treat children and people in general.
But I was also struck by how his words feel like something I need right now. The cold and depressing winter has left me feeling hard and cynical. And as spring brings out lightness and beauty around me, I desperately feel the need for an inner cognitive shift. Mr. Roger's soft and open words about self-compassion, love, and shared humanity reflect an attitude I wish to embody. For him, it seems to have come naturally; for me, it takes practice, but it's a good reminder.
His words may also resonate with those who are grieving and in need of a bit of self-kindness. Grief and self-acceptance often do not go together intuitively. Grief is an uncomfortable state of being. We're going through immense turmoil, and many people will not want to show compassion or acceptance toward themselves because they see their thoughts and emotions as enemies. Resisting grief may feel like the only defense against letting it take over. But grief is human, and finding peace often involves learning to accept it as a part of us.
In this newsletter, we have a new article about multi-adaptive grieving dynamics to add to our grief theory collection, and we will also share our latest podcasts. The rest of the content is inspired by Mr. Rogers and themes of renewal, self-kindness, and self-compassion.
What's Your Grief Theory? Multidimensional Adaptive Grieving Dynamics
t's been quite a while since we've broken down a new grief theory here on WYG. According to my research, the last theory we discussed in earnest was a deep dive into continuing bonds in 2018. So, we're excited to add a new installment to our grief theory library with this discussion of the Multidimensional Adaptive Grieving Dynamics model.
Grieving is a universal human experience, yet its intricacies are as diverse as the grievers themselves. I suspect this paradox is what makes grief theory so tricky. Putting language and structure to the universally individual nature of grief is no small feat.
As we have discussed, various theories attempt to describe grief, with the most famous models of the 1900s viewing it through the lens of stages or phases. Then, the 1990s and 2000s ushered in our favorite theories – the Dual Process Model of Bereavement and Continuing Bonds Theory. And finally, the last decade brought some newer theoretical frameworks, including the one we're talking about today: the Multidimensional Adaptive Grieving Dynamics (MAGD).
In this theory, author C.D. Bagney Darian, sets out to create a new model for grief. The aim is to embrace the diversity of grievers and the myriad types of losses they face in ways that previous models have yet to capture. This ambitious task is simultaneously this theory's greatest strength and weakness (what do you know, another paradox!)
In its efforts to reflect the vast range of human grief experiences, the model offers a depth and complexity to grief that is absent in so many other models. At the same time, its specificity leaves me wondering, "Do these adaptive dynamics really capture it all?"
The Multidimensional Adaptive Grieving Dynamics Model Explained
At the heart of the MAGD are four essential adaptive grieving dynamics distilled from an extensive review of the grief and bereavement literature. These dynamics serve as pillars, encompassing the breadth of adaptive responses individuals may have when navigating grief.
In other words, they're saying they studied a lot of the existing research on grief, and this research indicates that most people naturally adapt to loss by engaging in the following four dynamics in a balanced way. The different pillars are based on the adaptive purpose of the behavior (i.e., why they are doing something); rather than just describing a specific emotion or behavior (what they are doing). In this way, the author lays out a conceptualization that makes room for a wide range of thoughts and emotions.
The Four Pillars of the MAGD
Pillar One: Adaptive Lamenting
This dynamic encapsulates distressful, disheartening, and painful responses often associated with grief. It acknowledges the raw emotions that arise from loss and the need to express and process them.
In the coping literature, these responses are often labeled as "negative" emotions, but lamenting is not always seen as negative by grievers. Lamenting responses can help us express, process, and integrate the changed realities of loss. They can also serve as *tempering mechanisms, keeping us from being overwhelmed by the changes.
*Of note: it may be useful to know now that the word "tempering" is used here to refer to something akin to pacing or taking one's time.
Pillar Two: Adaptive Heartening
In contrast to lamenting, heartening involves experiencing gratifying, uplifting, and pleasurable responses amidst grief. It recognizes moments of solace, connection, and even joy that can emerge amid sorrow.
People often label these responses as "positive" emotions, but like lamenting, the experience can feel both negative and positive. Heartening responses can also help us integrate the changed realities of grief by allowing us to experience the heartening aspects of a loss. At the same time, they can act as tempering responses that keep a griever from fully integrating the changes.
The spring equinox is just behind us, a time that reminds us of balance and the cycles of the natural world. If you're a person of faith, spring brings holidays. Easter comes, with messages of hope and resurrection, and Passover, with contemplation of redemption and freedom. And holidays aside, it's hard not to notice the natural world begging us to appreciate renewal.
With grief in spring, the cycles of life and death can be . . . complicated.
On the one hand, reminders of hope or renewal or redemption can be comforting and inspiring. On the other, grief in spring can mean these reminders feel painful and alienating if you're feeling personally disconnected from them. Seeing a bleak winter landscape turn a lush green can be inspiring. It gives hope for the evolution of our lives after loss while simultaneously feeling like an unwanted reminder that the world keeps turning.
In its most practical terms, this spring stretch might bring beautiful moments with friends, family, and in nature. With the joy and comfort you find there, you might also find some pangs of guilt. No matter the highlights of this day, week, or month, it will likely also include difficult reminders. There are reminders that another season has come and gone. We can be left feeling hyperaware that we've moved even further from a past that we love and miss.
You might find yourself reminded of the family members absent from Seder tables and Easter meals. Or perhaps you find yourself all alone at a time of year when others are gathered with family. You might find yourself surrounded by people, but acutely aware that loneliness is not simply about being alone. It is about missing a certain person or a certain type of relationship. It's what can leave us feeling lonely in a room full of people.
Wouldn't it be great if there were some magic words to wipe away all the griefy pain of spring?
Spoiler alert: no magic words here to fix grief in spring because grief isn't something that needs fixing. But we can offer a few gentle reminders as you navigate this new season.
Decide to find comfort where you can - be it in the cycles of nature, spiritual reminders of rebirth and redemption, or time with friends and family.
Create space for the grief. When the sun is shining and the birds are singing or we're gathered with people we love, it can feel like we should just focus on the positive - embrace that attitude of gratitude. But gratitude isn't an antidote to grief. It is a companion to it. We can still create room to acknowledge all that has been lost alongside all that remains. Feeling our grief in spring fully while being grateful for the hope in the season is a helpful practice.
We are excited to announce our partnership with Here For You to offer a special What's Your Grief care package. This package includes some of our favorite WYG gifts, such as our "Sometimes there is no silver lining" enamel pin, WYG mug, and the "What's Your Grief? Lists to Help You Through Any Loss" book, along with other comfort items to help you explore and learn about your grief.
Each box is delivered in gift packaging with a personalized card. An optional handwritten follow-up card is also offered within two months of package delivery.
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